Bill Maher

Comedian

1956-01-20

Quotes by Bill Maher

• Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

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• But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

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• If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.

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• New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.

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• To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

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• First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'. Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.

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• First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feelings are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'. Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.

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• New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.

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• Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

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• I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

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• Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.

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• Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

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• Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!

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• Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

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• The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

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• New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party.

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• We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.

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• Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

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• You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

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• The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of

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