Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

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England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

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I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

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Quotes by Emo Philips