Groucho Marx
Comedian
1890-10-02
Books by Groucho Marx
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Groucho and Me
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The Groucho letters
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Alone on the Ice
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Quotes by Groucho Marx
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While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
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Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
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I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
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With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
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Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.]
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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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