Henny Youngman

Comedian

1906-03-16

Books by Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman's 999 funniest one liners
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Take my wife ... please!
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Henny Youngman's Big Book of Insults
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Quotes by Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
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When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
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A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
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She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
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