Les Dawson
Comedian
1931-02-02
Quotes by Les Dawson
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Slumps don't bother me.
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My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
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I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
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I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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