Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

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People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

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Quotes by Mitch Hedberg