Rita Rudner
Comedian
1955-09-17
Quotes by Rita Rudner
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
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Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
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I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
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On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
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I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
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