Ron White

Comedian

1956-12-18

Books by Ron White

How computers work
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Quotes by Ron White

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
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I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
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I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
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When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
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I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
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I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
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I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
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I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!
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The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
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I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.
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You can't fix stupid.
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I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
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You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
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My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
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I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. He doesn't give solicited advice.
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There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
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The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.
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Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
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Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
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My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.
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