Tim Allen

Comedian

1953-06-13

Quotes by Tim Allen

• While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

  Read quote

• In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

  Read quote

• Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

  Read quote

• I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

  Read quote

• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

  Read quote

• My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

  Read quote

• The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

  Read quote

• It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.

  Read quote

• Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

  Read quote

• My aunt, thirty years a feminist, says, 'A car is just an extension of your penis.' Oh, I wish.

  Read quote