Tommy Cooper

Comedian

1921-03-19

Books by Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper's Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Joke Book
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Quotes by Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
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Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
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I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?
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My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
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I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.
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Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
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The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
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I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!
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My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.
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Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
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