Earlier today I had sex with a monkey and then roasted and ate it with a glass of choir boys' piss. I like to get in the mood.

Big fat hairy monkey, hands a couple of octaves wide?

Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. Like the first monkey shot into space.

Hello, companion, said Magnus.The monkey made a terrible sound, half snarl and half hiss.I begin to rather doubt the beauty of our friendship, said Magnus.

I cook better than you, Nick corrected absently. I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me, said Jamie. I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.I agree, that would be awesome. Mae said. People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.You're raving, Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick, Mae said warningly.How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey? Jamie wanted to know. I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

I think the discomfort that some people feel in going to the monkey cages at the zoo is a warning sign.

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.

If birds sing without worrying about who is listening to them, and monkeys dance without worrying about who is watching them, and hyenas laugh without worrying about who is mocking them, then you too must do what you do best without worrying about who is ridiculing you.