Phyllis Diller
Comedian
1917-07-17
Quotes by Phyllis Diller
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
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Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
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Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
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