Steven Wright
Comedian
1955-12-06
Quotes by Steven Wright
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Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
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I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
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So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
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Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Why are there five syllables in the word —monosyllabic—?
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Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
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