The best way to lose weight is to get the flu and take a trip to Egypt.

I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu.

Remember, your body needs six to eight glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

When a man diets, he eats oatmeal in addition to everything else he usually eats.

Do you want to live in a world where a man lies about calories?

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

For women, eating has taken on the sinful state once reserved for sex.

Obesity is the result of a loss of self-control. Indeed, loss of self-control might be said to be the defining social (or anti-social) characteristic of our age: public drunkenness, excessive gambling, promiscuity and common-or-garden rudeness are all examples of our collective loss of self-control.

I'm so neurotic that I worry I'll lose weight when I'm on a diet.

Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign that something is eating us.

When are we going to learn that fat is an adjective, not an epithet?

I would rather be called a serial killer than fat.

All fat people are 'outed' by their appearance.

Why am I bothering to eat this chocolate? I might as well just apply it directly to my thighs.

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

A really busy person never knows how much he weighs.

The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.

The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was food.

It is harder to eat sparingly than to fast. Moderation requires awareness. Renunciation requires only the tyranny of will.