I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

You're kidding, Shane said. Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?No, Claire said, but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.Stop making up names for him.What about Count Crackula?Just stop.

Rose took my nose, I suppose,— he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. —And it really blows.

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

Look! said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, Someone who cares!

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.