Don Quixote would understand golf. It is the impossible dream.

The stronger women get, the more men love football.

The golf swing is like sex: you can't be thinking of the mechanics of the act while you're doing it.

In the human race today, you came last.

To play mixed doubles: hit the girl whenever possible.

I'm learning to use others' weaknesses. I don't hammer a man's soft spot constantly, because he may strengthen it. I just save it as a trump up my sleeve for moments when I really need a point.

Boxing is the only sport in the world where two guys get paid for doing something they'd be arrested for if they got drunk and did it for nothing.

I pulled a hamstring during the Newr York City Marathon - an hour into the race I jumped up off the couch.

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.

The real test of golf - like life - is not keeping out of the rough, but getting out after we are in.

A typical round of golf: one minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're haemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.

The more violent the body contact of the sports you watch, the lower the class.

Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.

In sports, as in love, one can never pretend.

Always play a game with somebody, never against them. Always win a game, never beat an opponent.

Sports do not build character. They reveal it.

I have never willingly chased a ball.

You have to play American football like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four.

Sports play a societal role in engendering jingoist and chauvinist attitudes. They're designed to organize a community to be committed to their gladiators.

I used to think the only use for sport was to give small boys something else to kick besides me.