I can never think of the time I spend idling in railway stations as lost; it's a waiting liberated from the three temporal vices of regret, anticipation or boredom, the weak echo of that bliss spent between lifetimes.

Why do 'They' retain absurd distinctions between first and second class? Far more helpful if 'They' divided us into, say, talkers and non-talkers, or farters and non-farters.

There isn't a train I wouldn't take, no matter where it's going.

I'd rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake.

A pedestrian ought to be legally allowed to toss at least one hand grenade at a motorist every day.

Progress should have stopped when man invented the bicycle.

Bicycles are almost as good as guitars for meeting girls.

Bicycles have no walls.

You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft.

A luxury liner is really just a bad play surrounded by water.

I know that experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn't make me any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limit to 54.95.

My aunt, thirty years a feminist, says, 'A car is just an extension of your penis.' Oh, I wish.

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

Our motor car is our supreme form of privacy when we are away from home.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.'

The stop sign reminds us to slow our pace, take a moment's rest, and look around. Therein lies a whole philosophy of life.

Everything in life is somewhere else and you get there in a car.